Get Real: Marriage

I met my husband Ben when I was a month shy of my 18th birthday, and I married him when I was 19.  (The photo above was taken the day after our wedding – I love this photo.)  This summer, we’ll celebrate our ten year anniversary.  I wouldn’t say that getting married so young is a great idea for everyone, but for us, it was perfect.  We met, we fell in love, we decided we wanted to make a life together.  We got a lot of negative “advice” and criticism when we were engaged, and I imagine most people thought we would be divorced in a few years.  Instead, we went on to slowly build this life we had envisioned – learning about growing food, cooking food, creating a business together, and then having children together.  We’ve worked together almost every day for the past ten years, and that’s how we prefer it.  We do also have friends, I swear, but mostly we like each other’s company.

This is not to say that we don’t argue, disagree, act crabby, and all the other normal human things that people do to other people.  We spend a lot of time together, and we have been through very challenging periods together, and said our share of mean words.  Our main work together as a couple has been not to blame each other.  We don’t always succeed, but since we at least hold on to that as our guiding principle, we do pretty well, and it has gotten easier over the years.  I spoke about marriage with our mother’s circle one month, and when I asked Ben what he thought I should say, that’s what he said – Life is hard, don’t blame it on the people around you (spouse included).

I think many of us feel that we’re having to learn how to have a positive marriage, and how to create that model for our children.  It’s a dangerous myth that in a good marriage there’s no arguing, or you always say the right thing, or you never disagree.  We disagree all the time, but we don’t think it makes the other person bad or wrong, we don’t think it means there’s something wrong with our relationship, and we don’t blow it up into something bigger.  The phrase we use the most is, “I’m sorry we had a crazy thing.”  I also think that working together is a big advantage – we have a lot in common, and a lot of shared goals and visions.  We each have our separate passions, too, but our biggest dreams are the ones we’ve dreamed up together.

Be sure to check out this other mamas versions of Get Real:

11 Responses to “Get Real: Marriage”

  1. 1

    You two are so sweet Adrie – and wow – so wonderful that you followed your hearts!

  2. 2

    My Love and I also met when we were quite young (20), moved in together a year later, got married along the way and well…that was 26 years and 5 kids ago. I also wouldn’t necessarily recommend it, but it was just right for us – love at first sight and I’ve never looked back. Such a sweet picture of you all on the bed! Loved the series – thanks for doing it.

  3. 3

    Thanks Tonya!

  4. 4

    Thank you for sharing Leslie, and so glad you enjoyed!

  5. 5

    Dear Adrie, this is so lovely! Andy and I also met young and were engaged at 18 and 19, married a year later. We also knew it was right for us, and wanted to jump into our life. We also got a lot of criticism and head shakings, and downright disagreement to our plans. Now it’s nearly 17 years later!
    And we are also best friends, who have friends but really enjoy each other most of all. :)
    I love that top photo too!
    Love, Mel

  6. 6

    Adrie, My Bud and I got married at 20 and 23. We were married 39 almost 40 years. We loved spending all our time together. People couldn’t understand how we could do that. We just enjoyed being together. Some said they were even envious. :>) We were also best friends. I’m so happy you have the same marriage. It is truly a blessing. Of course I miss him and think of him everyday but I know he is in my heart and watching over me until we are together again.


  7. 7

    How wonderful, thanks for sharing!!

  8. 8

    How funny! It seems like there are quite a few of us :)

  9. 9

    Adrie, just wanted to say again how much I’ve loved this series. I’ve really enjoyed reading new blogs, I’ve been moved and inspired by so many posts and I’m going to be feeling rather bereft on Tuesday mornings now it’s all over!

  10. 10

    I kinda’ loved this post… I remember taking a “psychology of marriage” class during my undergrad for a couple weeks (the professor, in the middle of a lecture equated gay relationships to bestiality and “at best” codependent narcissism, so, I quickly dropped it) but, I remember one thing that really stuck with me was the “fairy tale” idea… that there is some perfect one person and it’ll “just work.”

    Drew and I are coming up on our 10th anniversary together, too. We were told (at least I was) by MANY people that meeting in College and moving to San Francisco just wasn’t the right recipe; we were too dramatically different in our personalities; _____ was more attractive than _____ (probably the most insulting reason people gave); or a million other reasons why we wouldn’t work. Today, I tell our friends, half jokingly, that the two reasons we’re still together are “1. we’re too stubborn/lazy to break up and start a whole new relationship with someone” and “2. We fight well.” It’s nice to see someone else whose method and work I respect reach similar conclusions (if less sarcastically stated)…

  11. 11

    Oh my Jo-Jo, thank you for saying hello here, dear one! Unbelievable the things people will say. And how wonderful that you’re on your 10-year, also – treasure it!

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